Here’s a few words from Injil Matius. I love this part of the Holy Bible [not trying to go all religious on you people], and I believe in it strongly.

“Mintalah, maka akan diberikan kepadamu;
Carilah, maka kamu akan mendapat;
Ketoklah, maka pintu akan dibukakan bagimu.

Karena setiap orang yang meminta, menerima, dan setiap orang yang mencari, mendapat, dan setiap orang yg mengetok, baginya pintu dibukakan.”

Indeed it is true. Thank you Lord. I will doubt You no longer.

I smile thinking of him cuz it makes me happy.

I know I like him but I’m afraid. Just like most crushes, I’m afraid of it not working out again.

Fear. It’s what’s keeping me back.

Taking a leap is what I want to do but only if it means you’ll be mine.

I don’t know what the future holds and I’m terrified.

I’m not the type who can sit back and relax on unanswered questions and uncertainty.

But you, Mr. Z, is floating around inside my head. In class I look at the board but what I think of is you.

Indeed I am happy to feel this way again. It’s exhilarating, truly!

I don’t know if you’ll ever be mine or if you like me back.

So pardon me while I watch from a distance and let life pass me by without making an effort in getting closer to you.

Is it just me?

Or does he feel it too?

Do I want this?

Why am I so confused?

Can’t this brick wall just fall down and let me take chance on love again?!

I feel it

and

I can’t deny it.

Yes, I do like you, Mister X.

Wow! I’m finally writing something down instead of just posting quotes off my favorite quote website. lol.

A lot has happened recently in my life. Well not necessarily, but I’ve done a lot of activities and been part of a few events.

First of, GINTRE. Like wow! Totally tiring and hellish, but well worth the pain and stress! I’ll miss working with the girls, but I see them around campus anyway so it’s okay. lol!

Second of, UTS PrakDip. Today was so much fun! We are soooo together as a team (far beyond what I had expected, honestly). It wasn’t tiring for us, as much as it was rather boring sitting in the seat listening to ‘06 talk about Services. Hmm ya ya…
But honestly, I enjoyed it and it was just real fun! Protocol is the bomb-diggity!

Personal moment:

In my little group of friends, Cupid has shot its love arrow and hit Dea whilst another love arrow still remains in Abie’s heart.

I just got to thinking, I want a boyfriend. Okay, not necessarily that part; I just want somebody to love (besides family and friends) and somebody to love me back.

It’s been awhile since I’ve cared oh so deeply for anyone. Even though I have this gut instinct that my special someone isn’t in FISIP UNPAR, I won’t give up. I believe someone is out there but it’s beyond frustrating having to wait and find a guy to like.

It’s not that I need a life to steer my thoughts away from wanting a guy since it can be distracting, but this time… I relli do want a guy to call my own.

Boys boys… I can certainly live without them, but I just choose not to. lol!

My friends… No, my best friends.

My biggest fans.

My sisters.

My supporter.

My shoulder to lean on.

My thigh to sleep on.

My savior when I’m blue.

My sun when there’s no light.

My bank to loan money from when I’m broke. lol.

My girls… Ya’ll are truly something special.
I have been profoundly blessed by the Lord for having all of you in my life.

I feel safe knowing that when I’m in deep trouble or when I’m having to go through obstacles in life, ya’ll are there.

“And I don’t try to hide my tears

The secrets, all my deepest fears
Through it all nobody gets me like you do”

- from Taylor Swift’s song I’m Only Me When I’m With You

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care anymore

And now I try hard to make it 
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’s alright

Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this right again

Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand

I feel like life is closing in on me.

To not believe in God, I must disagree.

But to lose hope, that I agree.

Since Monday, I have cried and cried with little results. I have prayed and will continually do so. I have lost my path and will eventually lose myself if nothing works out.

To have another dream shattered when it could be prevented, I don’t know if I can take it once more.

As my eyes fill with tears writing this blog, I feel dead.

My heart is half-ripped, my eyes are tired from lack of sleep and stressing too much, and my brain. My poor brain. It’s neurons are being overworked by a psychotic woman who stresses too much and hopes too little of the world and its miracles.

What to do now?

Dear God,

Forgive me for I have sinned.

My head can be held high, but do forgive me if I am not myself.

Anyone got a nutcracker? Cuz I wanna crack my hard-headed self open.

Remove my brains and let me forget all that has happened in my life.

Now I know that I can never start fresh.

I’m so embarrassed having gone to the same high school as her and all of my Bekasi friends. Relli embarrassed.

Here’s why:

Cewek: Eh can, kemana aj lo? Hilang gt aja…
Me: haha.. iya ni, aku disappear mulu!
Cewek: disappear dimana? di bandung?

*All confused inside and thinking she was joking*

Me: hahaha.. lucu2!
Cewek: Kok ketawa can?
Me: Ya kan kamu bilang disappear dimana. Disappear kan bukan tempat…
Cewek: Ohhhh.. jadi apa dong?

*EXTREMELY DUMBFOUNDED*

Me: Itu kata, dew..
Cewek: Artinya apa?

*thinking she must be kidding*

Me: disappear = menghilang. wahh.. ketauan bgt kamu g perhatiin kelas inggris slm SMA. hahaha.. kidding.
Cewek: Km tau lah inggris susah.

Thinking to myself, “Right… sure it is…”

Bless her soul.

It’s almost a week since the Ramadan holidays have passed and I am no where near less stressed out.

I need a break.

I’m being pulled left and right, meetings happening nearly everyday for pete’s sake!! Ahh! I’m going crazy. My tasks are done but I don’t feel like I did it correctly thus I consider it still piling up.

My period’s coming up and my hormones are acting up as usual and it’s driving me nuts.

Even in my dorm I’m having issues with Meta and her problemos.

I can’t escape.

My life is spinning in circles like that of a kaleidoscope, minus the colorful stuff.

I forgot to return my book back to the library. I hate borrowing books now.

If I could suck up all the oxygen there is in the world, I would.

Even Taylor Swift’s wonderful and colorful lovely songs can’t help me out.